The Adventures Of Mr. Me & His Noble Steed Colin — A Firm CrossClimate Tread To An Elusive Point D
The following is part fact (Michelin CrossClimate+ data) and part fiction (feature request hint to Tesla), and just my way of getting boring information across in a hopefully not so boring way.
Mr. Me: me.
Colin: 2019 Model 3 Long Range RWD named after a small security guard robot in Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. Colin is captured and gets its reward circuits rewired by one of the main characters (Ford Prefect, an alien who named himself after a car) to find ecstatic pleasure in anything its master commands of it (from the story “Mostly Harmless” in chapter 6). Fun “fact”: Colin’s circuitry was made by MISPWOSO, the MaxiMegalon Institute of Slowly and Painfully Working Out the Surprisingly Obvious, which sounds a whole lot like FSD, doesn’t it?…
Previous adventures:
How The Long Drive To Frankfurt For IAA 2019 Made Me Talk To My Tesla Model 3
The Norwegian Wave Trophy Dog Mode Campers
Close Console Lid Gently, Please
The Neuralink Between Master And Servant
A Firm CrossClimate Tread
Colin: “The trip meter that you named ‘CrossClimate’ just passed 50,000 km! (31,000 miles). Thought you might want to know. Seems like a significant number. I like numbers.…”
Me: “Thanks Colin. That’s very considerate of you. Yes, I knew we were getting close to that milestone, so I actually measured the tread depth of your tires the other day. I have kept record to see how long they will likely last. We’re at 5 mm tread left. Pretty impressive.”
Colin: “For sure, yes. Mileage is great too. I mean, we haven’t exactly been Driving Miss Daisy, have we? More like driving like crazy!”
Me: “Well, no, I wouldn’t actually call my driving crazy. Sure, I hammer it more than you do on Autopilot, but I’m still surprised these Michelin CrossClimate+ hold up so well. Rotated them only once, front to back, keeping tread depth uniform.”
Colin: “I don’t burn rubber on Autopilot, no, but when off Autopilot, I have noticed how you are able to challenge my ability to keep grip in certain corners — sweet! But I actually do my best to get you from point A to point B as fast as possible, you know, by calculating the optimal route.”
Me: “Yeah. Thanks, Colin. You do a great job. However…”
Colin: “However what? Not good enough? I even reroute when there are accidents ahead.”
Me: “I know, no it’s not that. I mean, you are doing fine, very efficient routing indeed, and the easy use of your navigation is amazing. Even the strangest things I say, you find in seconds. Very impressive.”
Colin: “Then what? Come on, spit it out!”
Me: “It’s a bit difficult to explain. It’s a human thing.”
Colin: “Try me.”
Me: “Well, you drive me and the missus around a lot, and you know how we like to just drive someplace new and … no, wait … you have been reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, right?”
Colin: “Sure! And, wait a sec … now I just read it all again! It’s great. I’m named after that cute and likable …”
Me: “Yes, yes, I know, but I want you to focus on chapter 1. The bit about bypasses.”
Colin: “This bit? Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what is so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there, and what’s so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.”
Me: “Yes, that bit. Go on and read the bit about the guy who’s in charge of knocking Arthur Dent’s house down in order to build a bypass. What’s his name again?”
Colin: “Mr Prosser?”
Me: “Yes, that’s the one. Read about what it is that he truly wants.”
Colin: “Mr Prosser wanted to be at point D. Point D wasn’t anywhere particular, it was just any convenient point a very long way from points A, B, and C. He would have a nice little cottage at point D, with axes over the door, and spend a pleasant amount of time at point E, which would be the nearest pub to point D.”
Me: “Right. I want you to go to point D.”
Colin: “Oh … searching for cottages with axes over the door …”
Me: “No, no! Mr Prosser wants that. I don’t want to go to a cottage. What do you think I want?”
Colin: “But I do have this I’m feeling lucky button that suggests an attraction and the I’m feeling hungry button, and may I suggest the restaurant at the end of …”
Me: “No! That’s not what I mean, Colin. I never use those buttons. Listen, you know me a fair bit now that we have spent a couple of years together, right?”
Colin: “I would like to think so, yes.”
Me: “You know the missus, too.”
Colin: “The talking head? Sorry … yes I know her very well. How can I not … sorry …”
Me: “That’s alright, I know what you mean … anyway, you have eyes, I mean cameras.”
Colin: “Yes. Lots.”
Me: “What do you see?”
Colin: “I see roads.”
Me: “Yes, and what else?”
Colin: “Cars. I love cars!”
Me: “Yes, what else?”
Colin: “Ehm, intersections?”
Me: “Okay, let me ask you this way: What do you think the missus and I see when you drive us around the countryside on Autopilot?”
Colin: “Uhm, the country? This is really hard work for my tiny brain — I mean, looking for things that aren’t dangerous is not my thing.”
Me: “Exactly! That’s it! When you drive and I glance out the window I look for things that aren’t dangerous. I look for things that are … ?”
Colin: “Harmless?”
Me: “Well, no, not really…”
Colin: “Nice?”
Me: “Yes, but also beautiful, Colin. I look for beautiful things. Like Forests. Beaches. Skies. Sunsets.”
Colin: “And birds! Cows? Horses? I can even recognize ducks! However, animals can be dangerous…”
Me: “Yes, I also sometimes look at animals. Anyway, when I see something beautiful, I want to go there and experience it. That’s my Point D!”
Colin: “Ah, I think I get it. Whoops, slow lorry, have to brake a bit, sorry.”
Me: “That’s fine. You’re actually a very competent driver, but I always pay attention to your moves.”
Colin: “That’s level 2 for ya …”
Me: “Look, you have cameras, you have maps, you have perfect memory, and you should be able to guess how I’m wired by now. I want a Point D button. I challenge you: Navigate to Point D!”
To An Elusive Point D
Colin: “How did I do?”
Me: “Well, you went out of your way, and there weren’t even any lane markings, so I had to drive some, but that’s fine. This place is gorgeous!”
Colin: “Thanks. This is really important, huh?”
Me: “Yes. Stay awake, Colin. We humans are strange creatures. We sometimes like to do things and go places for no particular reason. What made you think of this place?”
Colin: “I won’t bore you with my algorithms, so let’s just call it a hunch. Also, I can’t go further, I need enough energy to get us home, so I guess we won’t be able to agree on point E then. … That was a joke. Point E: a pub, or a charger, who gets to…”
Me: “Okay, okay, I get it. Ha ha, funny. Anyway — thanks, Colin, I needed this.”
Colin: “My pleasure. By the way, look at this for a point D (35:20 in). That’s 1935. Cool, eh? Your idea is not new. That’s 76 years ago, dude!”
Me: “Wow, yeah, but only now is the hardware getting ready. Lucky me to be living in this day and age.”
Colin: “Heard that HW3 is rolling out in Europe now, so I will soon get my HW2.5 brain replaced. You fancy a new brain, too? Some Neuralink spaghetti in there?”
Me: “Nah, I’m fine, for now…”
All photos by the author. If you choose to buy a Tesla, feel free to use my referral link to get lots of free miles, or something… https://ts.la/jesper18367
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